Member-only story
What If?
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my past. Scrolling through old social media posts, pictures, and fleeting memories of who I once was. Back when I was single, no kids, working out seven days a week, fitter, younger. And for just a moment, I wonder what if I had made different choices. What would my life be like today had I stuck with my career as a personal trainer or pursued different relationships and opened doors of opportunity? At this moment, I think about how happy I must’ve been. But in reality, I wasn’t happy. I wanted all things that I have now. Why do we do this to ourselves?
I have a wonderful life — a loving husband, a beautiful son, a career that I, for the most part, enjoy. So, my words are in no way implicating that I’m unhappy. Perhaps since having a baby, I’ve had a bit of an identity crisis. My life is no longer my own. I can’t just pick up and go whenever I feel like it. Between a full-time job, taking care of a child, running a household, keeping friendships alive, spending time and making time for love with my husband, reading, writing here on Medium, and exercising — you know, all the things the younger, sexier version of myself dreamed of — I feel like my life is out of my control. And despite it all, sometimes, it’s still not enough. Am I selfish for admitting it? Maybe. But it’s honest.
I’m not complaining. Things are just different now. And the truth is, I wouldn’t…
